Title: Under My Skin
Series: Naruto AU
Word Count: ~24,000
Warnings/Notes: M/M, language, minor angst, references to past abuse; one of my few stories NOT set in Monoshizukanohi
Spoilers: None whatsoever.
Summary: When Iruka asks Kakashi to help stop the apparent self-destruction of one of Kakashi's students, Kakashi decides to try and help Sasuke escape from the older brother causing him problems. Two weeks at a private beach house seems like the perfect solution...to more than one kind of problem.
The blood-curdling yell resounded through the small house, and Kakashi was up before his brain caught up to his body.
Thinking the Huns were surely attacking by water, Kakashi reached under the mattress, grabbed his gun, and was out his bedroom and down the hall before he remembered he had a guest in the house.
A guest that might have made the noise in the first place.
Brain working its way up to vibrate, Kakashi turned and trod on bare feet to Sasuke’s door, kicking it open to bang against the wall. He held the gun in both hands, aiming for the floor.
Sasuke stood in the far corner of the room holding what looked to be a can of aerosol spray of some sort and a lighter. He was aiming his impromptu torch at the open window and breathing hard and fast.
Three heartbeats later and Sasuke lowered his weapon, and looked at Kakashi, nonplussed.
“Nightmare,” he explained.
“Do you always respond to bad dreams by attempting to make fire balls?”
“Do you always respond to noises in the night with guns?”
“When they sound like that, hell yeah,” Kakashi replied, adrenaline still pumping in his veins and making him feel a little dizzy now that there was no apparent crisis.
“So there,” Sasuke said with a shrug.
Kakashi decided not to comment on their apparently similar reactions to non-threats. He unchambered the round and clicked the safety back on the handgun.
“You want some tea?” he asked, thinking sleep seemed very far away at the moment.
“Good, I’ll go make some.”
Kakashi turned, dropped the gun back off in his bedroom, and headed for the kitchen. He put the kettle on to boil and set out a cup for himself. When Sasuke wandered in a few minutes later, Kakashi turned and set out another cup. Dropping two bags of green tea into the cups, he pushed the bit of ceramic at Sasuke as the boy settled on the stool on the other side of the counter.
“Next time, let’s try to have bad dreams without the threat of fire hazard, okay?” Kakashi said, turning to remove the boiling water from the stove.
Sasuke grunted. “And I’d appreciate not getting shot.”
“I make no promises.” Kakashi poured the hot water into their cups before turning to put the kettle back on the stove.
“Then neither do I.”
Kakashi leaned onto the counter and regarded Sasuke for a moment. Dark circles under his eyes made them look sunken into his head. His dark hair was disheveled with disturbed sleep, and his skin looked sallow.
“Do you have bad dreams often?”
“This is the first one in a while,” Sasuke admitted, fidgeting with his teacup.
“What was it about?”
“None of your business.”
“Staying under my roof and threatening walls with flame makes it my business, Sasuke. Now talk.”
Sasuke sighed. “My brother. What do you think?”
“Want to tell me about the dream?”
“Do you want to tell me what he did?”
“Will you anyway?”
“Do you want a new car?”
Sasuke looked up at Kakashi like he was insane.
“Just checking,” the older man said, sipping his tea.
“Is everything a joke to you?” Sasuke asked.
“Almost nothing in my life is a joke, actually,” Kakashi replied, voice dropping. The two were quiet for several minutes, Kakashi thinking he’d overstepped his boundaries. Kakashi’d never been good at quelling curiosity, and he was going out of his way to help the kid. He felt entitled to answers while at the same time felt like he should be able to live without knowing.
And he didn’t want to do or say anything that would hurt Sasuke.
Kakashi felt simultaneously very old and very young.
“What happened to your eye?” Sasuke asked, finishing his tea.
Unbidden, Kakashi reached up to touch the patch. “Accident,” he answered. “Long time ago.”
“Can I see?” Sasuke asked.
Kakashi was amused. “Haven’t you before? I don’t wear the patch all the time.”
Sasuke shook his head. “You’ve always had something over the eye when I’ve been in your class.”
Kakashi put his palms on the counter and stared at Sasuke intently. “Will you tell me about your brother if I show you?”
“No,” Sasuke replied.
“Then no dice.”
Scowling, Sasuke slid off the stool. “Night,” he said, turning to go back down the hallway.
“Hey, thanks for not shooting me, Kakashi! Really swell of you!” Kakashi called after Sasuke, thinking he’d never met a more insolent and irritating kid.
“Thanks for not setting me on fire, Sasuke!” the dark-haired boy called back just before he closed the bedroom door.
Kakashi’s jaw muscles twitched. Yet again, he was left with no answers and dirty dishes. He threw the cups into the sink and stalked back to bed, collapsing onto his back, mattress creaking. Sasuke just…got to him. Under his skin, on his nerves, in his mind…damn the brat, anyway, with his touchable-looking hair and smooth skin. His problems. His silent need for protection.
The way he stepped closer to Kakashi when he saw his brother and didn’t seem to mind Kakashi’s arm around his shoulders.
Groaning, Kakashi covered his face with a pillow and silently wished it were possible to smother oneself.~*~
The next two days passed with little conversation and no incidents. After the fourth phone call from Itachi, Sasuke turned off his phone and threw it into the garbage. When he wasn’t looking, Kakashi retrieved the abused little device and set it aside.
The two unlikely companions passed the time with relative ease. Kakashi went for a run on the beach the morning after the nightmare and tea incident, and, as if seeing that were an option, Sasuke joined Kakashi the next day. The older man said nothing, content to run and be pleased that Sasuke kept up with him without a problem.
And he made himself look away when they got back to the house and Sasuke casually stripped off his shirt on the way up the deck stairs.
Kakashi pulled out the numerous books he’d brought along and settled in for some serious reading. Sasuke dusted off the old TV set in the corner of the living room and managed to make four channels come through with some clarity. One of the stations was a 24/7 cooking channel, and on the fifth day Sasuke borrowed the car to run to the store. He fixed dinner that night, and Kakashi was happy to lay on the praise.
“This is ridiculously good,” he said, forking another mouthful onto his tongue.
“Thanks,” Sasuke said, a slight blush tainting his cheeks. He looked a little better, now, the dark circles less apparent. Neither of them were the tanning sort, but Sasuke’s skin didn’t have the sickly quality to it, now.
“You’re welcome,” Kakashi said, enjoying how his words made the kid squirm with something at least like happiness. It was fun to watch.
“Oh, almost forgot…” Sasuke turned and grabbed two glasses from the cupboard before fetching a chilling bottle of white wine from the fridge.
Kakashi arched an eyebrow as Sasuke uncorked the wine with ease and started to pour.
“What,” Sasuke said. “You’re going to fuss at me for drinking wine with dinner?”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Kakashi replied, accepting his wine. “Just a little curious how you managed to buy it.”
Sasuke snorted and didn’t reply.
“Irritating brat,” Kakashi said off-handedly, thinking the kid kept entirely too much to himself. Thinking that it was unhealthy how much of an interest Kakashi had in everything Sasuke kept from him.
“Overbearing fossil,” Sasuke retorted.
Kakashi’s eyebrows shot up, and he laughed. “This fossil will happily kick your ass, kid.”
“Yeah? You couldn’t even beat me at a game of checkers, old man.”
Kakashi drank deeply of the wine, thinking he might need some fortitude.
“That’s complete shit,” Sasuke slurred. “Mario would totally
kill Kirby in a fight.”
“What?” Kakashi yelled. “Mario can barely handle fucking koopas! He’s no match for the mighty suction.”
Kakashi wasn’t completely sure when their conversation degenerated into comparing the attributes and fighting styles of various Nintendo characters, but some part of him was overjoyed they’d found a common interest in now-ancient video games.
He also wasn’t sure how much wine he’d had. Sasuke kept filling the damned glass, and he was pretty sure another bottle appeared at some point. Maybe two…
“Mighty suction,” Sasuke snorted a laugh. “Oooh…how terrifying! Sucked into the mouth of a giant cloud ball.”
“One great suck and Mario would be history.” Kakashi sliced one hand through the air above him, his view of the ceiling and its fan. Sasuke lay next to him across the checker board. And now Kakashi couldn’t even remember who won any of the rounds. He was pretty sure he’d let Sasuke win at least once…
“And then what?” Sasuke said, propping himself up on his elbows to stare down at Kakashi. “He spits Mario back out dripping with saliva. That’s hardly a killing blow.”
Kakashi chuckled. “Well, you may have a point there. I’ve always found being covered in saliva rather pleasant, myself.” Some part of Kakashi’s mind tried to ring alarms, but the sound was dulled by the lake of alcohol that now covered his better judgment.
“Iruka do that to you a lot?” Sasuke asked. “Cover you in saliva?”
Kakashi frowned. What the hell did Iruka have to do with the cost of wine in…wherever the fuck wine was made?
“Iruka?” Kakashi asked.
“Yeah…isn’t he your boyfriend?” Sasuke sat up and crossed his legs, eyes intent on Kakashi. When the hell had the kid gotten so…frightfully sober?
“No…” Kakashi shook his head and watched the room wobble. “There’s nothing to that. We’re just friends.”
“But you’re gay, right?” Sasuke pressed.
Kakashi suddenly felt very uncomfortable lying down for this conversation. He gripped the edge of the couch and pulled himself upright, frowning.
“What does that have to do with anything?” he hedged.
Sasuke made a frustrated little sound, and a crease formed between his eyebrows. It was cute, Kakashi thought. And he wanted to kiss it away.
Fuck. Bad Kakashi…bad…
“Because I want to know,” Sasuke said lamely.
Kakashi searched his saturated brain for a moment and really couldn’t find a down side to telling the kid his orientation.
“Okay…well…yeah, I’m gay,” Kakashi said. “If it matters.”
Sasuke raised his knees and hugged them to his chest. “Have you always been gay?” he asked.
Time to force some sobriety. Kakashi swallowed and stilled his mind and reacquainted himself with the planet and gravity. Something was up…his instincts knew it even if his mind couldn’t put it all together.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
Sasuke frowned even harder and tensed. “I mean have you always liked dick or was there a turning point or something?”
Kakashi rapidly blinked several times. Something…there was something he needed to see here…damned fermented grape juice.
“Uh,” Kakashi started and then cleared his throat. “I can remember my first crush when I was about eight. His name was James. Foreign kid. Cute.”
Sasuke looked at Kakashi, and the older man would swear later that his eyes practically glowed with intensity. “So you’ve always been the way you are, then?”
“Yes,” Kakashi said immediately. “Nothing…”
He got it. And he tried to keep the realization off his face.
“Nothing and nobody turned me into anything, Sasuke,” Kakashi said. “I don’t think it works like that.”
Sasuke continued to stare at him, and Kakashi couldn’t tell if this was good news or bad news for Sasuke.
“Then I’ve always been like this,” Sasuke whispered, mostly to himself. “What he did…”
Kakashi didn’t say anything, thinking it inappropriate. He’d already done enough…probably too much.
Sasuke reached out a hand and brushed his fingertips over Kakashi’s eye patch. To the older man, the hand moved with incredible speed, and the touch caught him by surprise. He jerked back a little and looked at Sasuke, frowning.
Snatching his hand back, Sasuke stood. “Night,” he said.
“Sasuke…” Kakashi began, but the younger man was already gone.
Groaning loudly, Kakashi thudded back down onto the floor. ~*~
Kakashi spent most of the next day either in bed or on the porch, nursing his hangover and avoiding the Uchiha. He really thought if he saw the kid he would either shake him senseless for getting him drunk or hug him and tell him everything was okay.
Neither option really seemed like a good move, so Kakashi laid low.
He didn’t miss Sasuke going out for a run on the beach, though…and he hoped the kid wore plenty of sun block because he didn’t bother with a shirt.
On Thursday, Sasuke announced that he needed to go back to school to take his final exams.
“Just take the car,” Kakashi said, drinking his coffee.
Sasuke looked at his teacher for a moment and then nodded once, turning to leave.
“And bring it back in one piece,” Kakashi added.
Sasuke glanced back over one shoulder and smiled a little at Kakashi before opening the door and leaving. Kakashi burned with abject shame at the desire that flashed through him with that smile. He was so going to hell.
The day seemed to stretch forever in front of him, and it wore heavily on his nerves. Kakashi tried to read and couldn’t focus. He went for a run, and that helped, but when he got back he immediately looked for Sasuke before remembering the boy wasn’t there.
“Dammit,” Kakashi spat. He stalked to his bedroom and into the bathroom, needing a shower. He stripped out of his clothes and ripped the patch off his eye before stepping into the steaming spray.
Looking down at his stiff cock, Kakashi sighed.
“You’re a fucking traitor, you know this?” he asked the impudent length before he fisted it roughly and stroked.
Moaning, Kakashi leaned forward into the water, letting it drench his hair and run down his face. He imagined Sasuke looking back at him over one bare shoulder, a set of bite marks marring the perfect skin. Sasuke would smile that little smile at Kakashi…
“Come on, Sensei...fuck me…
Panting Kakashi stroked himself faster, head turning in the spray so he could breathe without water filling his mouth. He could almost feel the heat of Sasuke’s body…how tight he would be. He imagined running his tongue down a shivering and sweating spine, thinking he would taste like salt and smell like vanilla. He wanted to know what noises Sasuke would make when Kakashi stroked him…sucked him…pounded into him until he…
Kakashi came with a shocked gasp, mouth falling open. His fingers made slippery noises on the tile as they flexed and formed a fist, chest rising and falling and eyes squeezing tightly shut.
It was late in the day when Sasuke finally returned. Kakashi sat on the porch off his bedroom, and he heard the car pull up and the engine shut off.
Well, at least the car was back in one piece like he asked. Kakashi felt…strangely bitter and on edge. Jerking off in the shower had done nothing to relax him, and he spent most of the day doing push-ups and sit-ups and trying to blank his mind. Digging through the kitchen produced an ancient bottle of whiskey, and the now half-empty glass in front of him was helping somewhat.
The door off Sasuke’s bedroom opened and Kakashi saw his student peer around and spot Kakashi before he stepped onto the porch to join him.
“Welcome back,” Kakashi said, raising his glass before taking another sip.
Sasuke froze and his eyes went wide.
“What?” Kakashi asked.
“Your…” Sasuke gestured vaguely to his own face. For a split-second, Kakashi was confused and then he remembered that after the shower, he’d only slid into jeans, skipping the shirt and the eye patch.
“Oh,” Kakashi said, reaching up to touch the naked eyelid. “Well…there you go.” He shrugged. The eye was just milky, nothing more. It moved with the other eye, no random meandering eyeball movement or anything. The scar that bisected it looked a little harsh, but Kakashi didn’t really think Sasuke would be bothered by that sort of thing.
“Can you see out of it?” Sasuke asked.
“Some. The doc gives me exercises to do.”
Sasuke was silent for a moment and then he cleared his throat. “I ran into Iruka,” he said, leaning on the railing.
“Oh?” Ice cubes clinked as Kakashi swirled his drink.
“He said Itachi’s called several times trying to track me down. He’s called Gai, too.”
“He’s not called me,” Kakashi said.
Sasuke shrugged. “Point being, your plan’s working so far.”
Kakashi nodded. “Told you to have a little faith. How’d the exams go?”
“Fine,” Sasuke said. “I aced them.”
Chuckling, Kakashi set down his drink. “You’re so sure.”
“I know what I’m capable of and what my limits are,” Sasuke said softly.
“Nothing wrong with that, I guess,” Kakashi said with a little smile. At the moment, he felt entirely too close to what he was capable of…and he wished his limits were easier to live with when Sasuke was nearby. He really didn’t know when things had gotten so out of control…sure, nothing had happened. But in Kakashi’s mind, things were spiraling.
Sasuke turned and leaned against a support beam so that Kakashi looked at him in profile. The wind ruffled his hair and t-shirt, and one foot rose to idly scratch at the opposite calf.
“Itachi was protective of me when I was small,” Sasuke said and Kakashi stiffened into stillness.
“Was he?” Kakashi said gently when Sasuke paused.
“Too protective. He wanted me all to himself. Was jealous of my friends when I had any…didn’t like it when even members of the family showed me attention.
“I used to think that was because he wanted all their affection for himself…but now I don’t think he cared about that at all. He was…obsessed with me. Wanted me.”
The way Sasuke casually said those last two words made Kakashi repress a shudder. Sasuke paused and stared out at the setting sun over the water for a moment or two. Kakashi didn’t move or say anything, but his heart thudded in his chest, which suddenly felt too small.
“It only happened once,” Sasuke said, voice barely audible. “My parents were out of town, but my Uncle Madara was staying with us. Itachi came into my bedroom one night, babbling something about family and not wanting him to touch me. How he wouldn’t let him. About how much he cared.
“I remember being scared,” Sasuke continued, voice thoughtful and matter-of-fact; like he was analyzing the symptoms of an illness long since passed. “I remember Itachi smelled like sweat and alcohol and something worse. He kissed me on the cheek first and then the mouth. He held me down and touched me all over, and I know I asked him what he was doing. I know I told him to stop and that he was hurting me.
“But he didn’t stop. And eventually what he was doing started to feel good, and I remember crying because I didn’t know what that meant. I know it hurt when he tried to…so he soothed me and stopped. He sort of…rubbed against me after that. I remember how he sounded saying my name, and the orgasm I had shocked me. I didn’t know a lot then, didn’t know what my body could do. He held me afterward and eventually came, too.”
Sasuke stopped and turned to look at Kakashi. “He left the next day with Madara. I never told my parents, but they blamed me for Itachi leaving. Said the only thing he said was that it would be better for me if he left with Madara.
“I told Naruto about it when he tried to kiss me once, and he’s never tried again. And now I’ve told you.”
Kakashi felt like he’d been dunked in ice water. His throat worked as he tried to swallow, tongue thick.
The older man watched helplessly as Sasuke pushed away from the railing and stepped just in front of Kakashi.
“I told you because it was the deal,” Sasuke said quietly. He reached up and touched Kakashi’s temple next to his bad eye before his hand fell away. Kakashi’s mind crazily thought about how this wasn’t eye for an eye…this was heartbreak for blurry vision.
“And I know you want to kiss me,” Sasuke said.
Kakashi opened his mouth to protest but Sasuke overrode him.
“You’ve wanted to since we got here. But you haven’t. If it’s because I’m your student, well…I’m not anymore. I just took my finals, and I passed them all. I won’t be going back to school. If it’s because I’m too young, then I turn 18 in a few days. But I’ve never been a ‘kid,’ Kakashi. I was young and now I’m not so young, but I’ve always been too old for my years. That’s what everyone’s always said.
“And if it’s because you’re worried I don’t want you to, then stop. I want you to. I got you drunk hoping you would just do it. Because I won’t make the first move…you’ve done a lot for me already, and I know what that could cost you.”
Sasuke stepped away and crossed his arms over his chest, his face falling into its usual scowl. He ceased to look like a seductive, straightforward man far wiser than his years and looked once again like a teenager. Kakashi felt his heart expand and then crack into pieces inside his chest, leaving him immobile and stunned and full of longing.
“So if you…want to, just do it already. But don’t feel sorry for me,” Sasuke said. “Because then I think I would hate you.”
And then, just like that, Sasuke turned and went back inside. Kakashi watched him go, the sun low on the horizon, and he wished for the times when Sasuke just left him with unanswered questions and dirty dishes instead of open invitations and hazy indecision.~*~
Kakashi sat on the porch for a long time after Sasuke went inside. He didn’t eat dinner, and Sasuke didn’t come outside to get him.
Part of Kakashi – granted, it was the brass section of his mind’s orchestra – wanted nothing more than to go into Sasuke’s bedroom and fulfill every fantasy the kid might have had over the last 17 years.
But in the end, Kakashi was rendered motionless by the instant replay of Sasuke talking about what happened with his brother. He couldn’t get over the simplicity of his words…the way he couldn’t even say “entered me” or “tried to push inside me” or something far cruder. It made Kakashi ache for Sasuke – his lost childhood, his loneliness, his vicious shove into sexual anything.
As if that weren’t bad enough, there was the implication that Sasuke hadn’t done anything else physical in his life except what happened with his brother. Kakashi told himself that was insane: every girl in his class would be more than happy to rid Sasuke of pesky virginity. Some of the boys, too.
…but Sasuke said the only people he told were Kakashi and Naruto…and then Naruto had backed off…
Kakashi felt like Sasuke had casually handed him a ticking time bomb with an off-handed, “Here…hold this for possibly forever, would you?”
Thoughts running ruts in his brain, Kakashi stood up hours later and shuffled into his room. Climbing into bed, Kakashi winced at his numbed ass. That deck chair was not made for long hours of contemplation.
And really, what had he figured out for all his trouble? He knew he couldn’t go to Sasuke and just…he wasn’t the kind of person to take advantage of someone when they were vulnerable. He didn’t want this to be some painful fling that Sasuke remembered or – worse yet – regretted later. The kid – young man, Kakashi corrected himself – was an irritating and confusing mix of child and jaded adult.
A tiny voice in Kakashi’s mind told him that Sasuke sounded like someone else he should know…someone in the mirror, perhaps?
“Shut it, you,” Kakashi mumbled and finally dozed off in the darkest hour before dawn.
The next morning there was a bang on Kakashi’s door, and he tumbled painfully into consciousness with a loud snort.
“Hey old man, you going running this morning or what?” Sasuke called from the other side of the door.
Kakashi groaned and there was another impatient bang on the door.
“Not even if chased by a horde of drunken Tsunades,” Kakashi said into his pillow.
“NO!” Kakashi yelled clearly.
“Fine!” Sasuke called back before stalking down the hallway. Kakashi heard the back door slam.
Truly this was just
how Kakashi had envisioned his relaxing two weeks away from work.
Kakashi threw himself into the shower and managed to get cleaned up. He brushed his teeth feeling like he needed supports to keep his eyelids open. As he passed by his bed while pulling on a blue t-shirt, he thought seriously about just climbing back in. He could just…avoid today. And maybe every day until he took Sasuke back to…wherever the hell he was going. Home? The bus station?
Coffee. Need coffee.
Two cups of java and a few slices of toast later, and Kakashi felt closer to human. He made a grocery list, read a chapter in his book, did a few eye exercises until the muscles began to ache, and put away some clean dishes…
…and no Sasuke.
Not that he was exactly eager to face the sulking teen, but he’d been gone for quite some time. Refusing to get worked up over this, Kakashi plopped down on the couch and focused on his book.
An hour later, Kakashi heard footsteps on the back deck and stood up as the door opened.
Kakashi’s voice died in his throat as a mostly-naked and dripping-wet Sasuke entered the house and shut the door. He wore nylon running shorts that came down nearly to his knees, but they were drenched and sticking to Sasuke’s body in utterly fascinating ways. His hair was plastered to his skull, the ends of his bangs in his eyes. While Kakashi watched, he ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back in annoyance.
“Where’ve I what?” Sasuke retorted, finally looking at Kakashi.
Then Sasuke smirked and Kakashi didn’t know if he wanted to kill him or fuck him.
Hm. Both. But not in that order.
“Where’ve you, ahm, been?” Kakashi managed.
“I went for a run,” Sasuke said airily, making puddles as he walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water.
“Worked up a hell of a sweat,” Kakashi muttered.
Sasuke snorted. “And then I went for a swim. There’s this thing out there called an ocean.” Sasuke nodded slowly at Kakashi in mock encouragement. “You should try it sometime.” He tipped the bottle of water back and gulped it down, one eye on Kakashi as he drank.
It was like the brat studied “How To Seduce Your Sensei, 101” last night while Kakashi sat on the back deck and bemoaned how he couldn’t just jump this boy for tenuous moral reasons.
“You’re getting everything wet,” Kakashi said archly.
“Oh yeah?” Sasuke said, licking his lips. Then he very obviously looked down at Kakashi’s crotch before meeting his eyes again.
Kakashi stalked over to the counter, grabbed a dishtowel, and flung it at Sasuke. Then he dragged his eyes down Sasuke’s body before looking back at the boy’s face.
He shrugged. “Looks like you’ll need that. Mop up the floor first, though.”
Kakashi turned and walked down the hallway, whistling. He could practically feel the Uchiha’s boiling, indignant rage behind him, but there was no way some sulky kid was going to goad Kakashi into taking action before he thought it through. He didn’t care if Sasuke splayed himself out on the kitchen table, blindfolded, naked and covered with chocolate sauce.
Sighing and cursing himself for the mental image, Kakashi locked himself in his bathroom for his second shower of the morning.~*~