Conversation with the husband-person:
Him: (after watching TV, finally allows dog to hop up onto his lap. Dog has been waiting approximately FOREVER (in doggy time) for this chance (in a doggy lifetime, it's been AGES SINCE THE LAST OPPORTUNITY) and is ever-so enthusiastic with the licking, which is right next to root canals in enjoyable experiences for me) It's good to be less stressed out.
Me: Mm. Yes. Well. When in doubt, I guess, put a dog on it. Makes the situation... *wrinkling nose* More moist.
Me: *long pause* ...this in no way, shape or form can be applied to bedroom strategy.
Him: *choking sounds*
Me: Never. Not even once. Not even--
Him: *arching eyebrow coyly* Maybe just when--
Me: No. There are no exceptions to this rule. And God, but I'm regretting saying anything at all.
Him: *laughing* I imagine you would be by now.
Me: *getting up and not deigning to carry on this conversation, cat-like in ability to deny said conversation ever happened much less that she started it* 'k. Going upstairs.
Him: 'k. *leans in for kiss*
Him: *GRINS* OH wow. I'm impressed. Just seconds ago, licked by the dog and--
Me: DAMN IT.
Him: What, you sat there and WATCHED it happen, woman.
Me: DAMN IT!
Me: *calling down from stairwell* THIS IN NO WAY MADE THIS SITUATION MORE MOIST!
Him: Are you sure?
Me: YES! ... DAMN IT!
...the mocking laughter continues from downstairs. I choose to ignore his reality and wisely post it on the Internet.